Stop The World! Say It Ain't So!

Help! If you grew up in the northern Kentucky area or if you are a member of the Massey family in Boone County, then you know all about Mohawk Valley Brand Limburger cheese spread by Kraft Foods. (Don't worry, you can't smell it from your monitor!)

Kim and I as well as tons of family members (I'm talking quantity not combined weight) have enjoyed this great cheese for many, many years and it is, in all probability, our favorite "family-is-together-let's-eat-something-special" snack.

Now the sad part....Kraft is no longer going to produce the cheese and has actually stopped production a few weeks ago! And they did it with NO notice to any of their addicted limburger lovers.

So, by the time we heard about this from Aunt Faye or Aunt Jan or whichever relative that broke the news to us (I'm in withdrawals right now so I can't really think straight), no stores in our area had any left on the shelves! Nada, zilch, none, zero, all gone! ...Hang on a minut I cant se the keybord for al of the tears faling........

OK, I can get through this......If we had only known! We would have stockpiled all remaining jars known to exist. And believe me, if all of the family that eats this had ran out and bought every jar the national debt would have been positively affected! Not to mention the extra jobs that would have been created in the workforce for more grocery baggers, cashiers, truck rental companies and refrigerator manufacturers.

But with no warning we were left out in the cold, abandoned on the ice covered doorways, staring up at the sky and screaming "Nooooooooooooo! Please say this is a nightmare".

The Aunts have called Kraft, I have e-mailed Kraft, we have all cursed Kraft but it's all for naught. They have a pleasant voice saying how "sorry" they are (liars!) and that the "demand wasn't there" to continue production but, gee, thanks for being a "loyal Kraft customer", blah, blah, blah. Hey, if the production was down it was only because we have been very busy these past few weeks fixing up the new place and Doug started a night job and Grandma was busy packing to come visit the Florida family and so we all skipped a few sandwiches. Don't punish the rest of the limburger junkies for our mistakes!

At first I instantly thought of a boycott against Kraft, where I wouldn't eat any more of their products. That would show them! They'd be sorry! They'd go out of business! But then I remembered......they also made shredded cheddar cheese and Velveeta and Philadelphia cream cheese and Cool Whip and Ritz crackers and Premium saltine crackers and Jet-Puffed Marshmallows, etc, etc..........so I thought that might not be the best idea I've ever had. I decided to allow them to remain in business but I'd still be upset over the limburger thing. (See how weak I have gotten since I can't get my limburger fix?)

So what's left to live for? Well, besides the items I listed above and hamburgers and pizza and....see, I've lost my thoughts again!

I suppose I'm writing this to ask for help. If anyone happens to look in a dairy case in any store in America and you spot a jar of this ambrosia, then please, please, please buy all you find and send them to me and I'll gladly pay your ransom price.

After much strategical planning, the Aunts and Uncles down here have determined that most of the name brand grocery stores have sold out. When you ask the dairy guy about it they just turn their eye away to avoid the pain they would see and quietly say, "Sorry, we don't carry that anymore" as they drop the egg cartons and run to the back of the store. So our thoughts are that the only hope we have is in the Mom & Pop stores hidden on the back streets of major cities or the "one-store-onlys" in small rural towns. That is where we will turn our attention. We'll fill up the car with $3.50 per gallon of gas and set out across America in search of our stinky nectar of life. (Well, metaphorically at least because I have to cut the grass).

To prove this point I'll have you know that yesterday the Aunts received a call from Aunt Sue (yes, there are plenty of aunts to go around) who lives in Petersburg, Kentucky. Someone put a bug in her ear that she should check out the local grocery store (see, a "one-store-only" town). Her trek was well worth it because lo and behold the store still had some left in the cooler! One jar or two? Could she be lucky enough to get 3 maybe 4 jars??? Try 17! Yes, limburger junkies, I said seventeen (17) jars! The mother lode. Gold in the creek. Oil in the ground. Cash in the mattress. Limburger in the cooler!

Oh, needless to say she bought all 17 jars....hang on, th tears ar faling agin.......

Our first thoughts were if we left right away and drove all night could we get to her house in the middle of the night and use the hidden key under the bird bath to silently sneak into the kitchen and make off with 8 or 9 of the jars....OK, OK....all 17.
But then we realized that she would have had time to hire a private security company and get a barbed-wire electric fence built around the entire block with spotlights and guard towers.

So we took a deep collective breath, sighed softly, looked up at the sky and silently asked "why us?" and we went to our respective beds to have the worse night's sleep in years.

Can you help us? Pretty please.......